He was thus a member of the actual as well as of
the official family of his Chief. Here are the words which Clive
addressed to Strachey:--
How miserable is my condition! I have a disease which
makes life insupportable, but which my doctors tell me won't
shorten it one hour.
If ever man conveyed the sense of physical suffering, deep melancholy,
and utter despair by the medium of the written word, it was Clive in
this passage. He had, it will be remembered, attempted suicide before,
as a young man. When the pistol refused to go off, he considered it an
omen that he was reserved for greater things.
My father used to tell us (whether on good medical evidence or not I do
not know) that it was supposed that Clive suffered from a very painful
form of dyspepsia accompanied by vertigo, and that when these attacks
came on they depressed him beyond measure. He lived in constant dread of
their recurrence, and it was upon a sudden sense that an attack was
impending that he cut his throat. He could not face again what might
have been an agony of three or four months' duration.
It was natural that, as boys, we liked especially to hear the story of
the suicide in Berkeley Square.
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